


train wreck

by scorpio_rat



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27999489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpio_rat/pseuds/scorpio_rat
Summary: Jeongin doesn't know who he is anymore and what he sees in the mirror is someone who he doesn't know anymore
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. pull me out of the trainwreck

**Author's Note:**

> title was taken from the song train wreck by James Arthur, I've actually had this song on repeat for days now ever since Felix recommended it through the jyp bubble app, I really can't stop listening to it
> 
> and this contains very triggering content so please read the tags and take care of yourself because you're worth so much and I care about you <3 be careful  
> I'm basically projecting onto Jeongin with derealization/depersonalization, which I've struggled a lot with and it hit very hard today so I decided to write about it, which usually helps  
> I hope you like it and that you have a good day<3

Jeongin doesn't really remember when the feeling had started, it was hard for him to keep track of anything at all recently  
he remembers a few months ago looking at a video Jisung had taken of him and Seungmin and not recognizing the person in the video  
it was almost like he wasn't real, or at least a stranger that still somehow felt familiar.  
he knew something was off, there was always just the feeling that something was wrong  
he just wasn't sure of what

he found himself forgetting sentences in the middle of them and just saying nonsense or stopping the sentence, which his members had all laughed off as a part of his cute maknae charms  
but he found it scary, like he was loosing grip of himself and who he was

he would wake up in the mornings and just lay there until he absolutely had to get up, he really hated how he couldn't seem to remember how to do even the simplest of things 

his fellow members were no idiots though and the soon caught on that something wasn't right  
it was one dance practice where he simply could not look at his own reflection and danced with his head down, looking at himself would make him spiral into panic and it would feel like he was floating into a deep sea  
it was like meeting a childhood friend you hadn't seen in years, and the person you once knew had changed so much it was like they were someone else  
but you still felt like you knew them just as you did when you'd talk all those years ago.

"Jeongin?" Chan had said with a hand around his arm, holding him back from leaving the practice room with the others.   
"yeah?" he replied

"are you okay? do you not like how you look?"  
the confusion that most likely spread across his face in that moment must have given away the fact that he had no idea what he was talking about  
"I just noticed how you wouldn't look at yourself dancing in the mirror" Chan continued  
"oh" he said, he didn't know what else to say

he wanted to tell him what was wrong, he wanted Chan or just anyone to reassure him that he was real and that he was Jeongin and that he wasn't going crazy.  
but how do you tell someone you don't know who you are anymore, how your memories erase themselves just after they've been made, how sometimes your mind felt galaxies away from your body, how your mind could not put words together to form a sentence for longer than a little while at a time and how you felt like you saw yourself from another perspective

Jeongin wanted to tell him so badly, but as his mind once again failed him to get anything out the only thing he could do was fall into Chan's arms as small sobs escaped his lips  
"I just want to feel like me again" he managed to get out in between breaths


	2. I just want to feel something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeongin uses a really bad coping mechanism
> 
> massive trigger warning for this chapter (self harm)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!! trigger warning (self harm) !!!!!

Jeongin  
the name felt strange in his mind  
he tried to remember himself, his family, his friends and members, his interests and hobbies and the things he'd laugh at  
but it was hard feeling complete  
and he could feel himself getting worse  
anxiety spread through his body just like his blood did, blood. blood meant he was alive

he thought he felt bad for breaking his clean streak of two years, but he told himself he couldn't remember it anyways, and he needed to feel alive.   
he was still here breathing, but he needed to know it.   
and so he took apart his razor in the bathroom

"how pathetic am I to make myself bleed in order to feel alive" he told himself in his head  
and as tears begun burning his eyes and falling down, staining his shirt, he made the first cut across his wrist  
and then followed more, until a drop of blood collected from multiple of them dripped down onto the floor

and then a wave of pain crashed over him, and he should've cried from it, he really should've felt bad.  
but as the pain took over, it covered the anxiety, and he felt alive, even if it was just for a while.

and when he stood up to bandage his wrist he met his own eyes in the mirror, and he knew this was dangerous, because he could actually look at himself.  
and that he wouldn't be able to stop


	3. find hope in the hopeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it gets worse and it gets better
> 
> TW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a mess I'm so sorry, I can't seem to organize my thoughts really

Jeongin had been avoiding Chan ever since the incident at the practice room  
they had hugged and he had cried and Chan had told him they could talk about it when he was ready  
just that Jeongin never planned to talk about it  
it wasn't that he didn't want to  
he just didn't know how he would say it, how he would do it

his walls were becoming taller just as he was becoming worse  
he had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety years ago when he was still in high school, and he knew it was returning stronger than ever before  
every day became harder  
it hurt to get up and get through the day with a fake smile on his face for as much as he could manage, vocal training hurt, dance practice hurt and even movies with Seungmin hurt. it even became painful in his sleep as he'd be haunted in his dreams by how much of a failure he was and how everything he was doing was wrong  
and the voice that always told him that reminded him a lot of a distorted version of his own

and as the circles under his eyes grew darker and the wounds on his arms grew deeper he started to think maybe being alive just wasn't for him, he wasn't sure of who he was, but he knew it hurt. a deep feeling that had made its place deep inside of his chest and just wouldn't seem to leave at all anymore.  
he just wanted it to end.

-

"any signs I'm alive still  
I don't wanna lose it  
I'm not getting through this"

-

"I have some stuff to talk about" Chan said, looking directly at him  
he had called their weekly meeting earlier this week without anyone really knowing why  
they were all seated on the floor in the living room of their apartment, Chan directly across from Jeongin

he kept looking at him as he said "I'm sorry Jeongin but I don't know how else to do this, you're clearly not okay"  
Jeongin furrowed his brows at him at a tiny attempt to make him stop this and let him be  
"can you tell me what's going on?"  
"there's nothing"  
"if you wanna do this the hard way.. how have you all noticed him being different lately?" he asked  
and Jeongin wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there as they begun talking  
"he's barely eating"  
"he doesn't sleep much"  
"he's always dissociating"  
how did they notice this much?  
"I found blood on the floor in the bathroom" Felix said, and Jeongin felt his heart speed up as a lump formed in his throat making it harder to breathe  
he had to leave, he had to get out, he had to get oxygen into his lungs  
he begun to get up but Seungmin pulled him back down, he hissed at the harsh contact with his arm  
Hyunjin had tears in his eyes "Jeongin.."

there, he had done it, he had officially messed it up, now everyone was going to know his secret  
he put his head in between his knees as he started to hyperventilate  
this was too much  
he flinched when Felix put a hand on his back, before leaning into him  
his sleeve was rolled up and gasps filled the room  
more tears, and more panic

suddenly Chan was there telling him to breathe with him, and soon he was just crying into Felix's arms  
"please talk to us" Chan said

"I don't know how to" which was honest

"just try your best"

he took a deep inhale before starting  
"I don't feel like myself, I look in the mirror and I don't know who I am. it's so scary when it happens, and it happens every day, and I need something, just anything to take that feeling away and blood reminded me that I'm alive and that I'm me and I know that it's stupid but it works and I know the scars won't fade but it's just so much and it hurt so badly and I don't think I can keep on going for much longer because it feels like I'm suffocating" he said before letting out loud sobs, not even caring anymore.  
at this point they were all crying

and then Chan said something that took away the pain for the first time in weeks

"it's not impossible to get better Jeongin, we're gonna help you, but I also believe you need professional help. you can feel okay again, I promise you that. we love you so much"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly I'll be suprised if anyone likes this fic, but I just wrote it to vent so I don't mind  
> hope you're all doing good, thank you for reading. <3 ilysm

**Author's Note:**

> if you've felt like this too, just know you're not alone  
> and you're not going crazy


End file.
